Interesting to say the least

I don't know why you are begging me to talk to you? I never lied to you or embellished my life. I find that you do that. I don't like that. Just be yourself, it gets too tiring to be something you're not. With that being said, I don't love me. Quite often I hate me. I loathe myself, but I'm far to apathetic to care. I must love pain though because I'm walking around miserable still.

I'm trying to move on. I've gone out on dates but nothing has really come of it. Not that I care, I don't really have time for it anyway. I don't have time for someone who wants my attention all the time or who wants me to spend hours on the phone with them. I just don't have time. The college experience is different for those who have science degrees than those who don't. And I know that doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me. And after talking with a classmate who was in the military, she confirmed that this was harder than military life. Unless you are overseas, then it's a different story.

I don't know if we'll every be friends in the way we were before. That's just me being honest. I don't know how to fix the pain you inflicted on me. Emotional abuse takes a whole lot more time to heal than physical abuse. And what's worse is I think I'd almost rather you hit me than do what you did. I can't put it out of my mind.

Your last message on Facebook didn't make a whole lot of sense in that you don't know what you did wrong? I think that's what you meant, but I don't know. And that's bullshit, you know exactly what you did wrong, you just don't know why its wrong. What you did was take the knowledge you gained as a friend, stuff you earned in confidence and out of friendship and then threw it back in my face. I would have to be stupid to trust you ever again. Do you have any idea what it's like to have your fears and insecurities thrown back in your face? As a friend or something of a potential, you are gentle with those because that is their Achilles heel. If you want someone to love you, you are gentle with them and coddle their needs, not stab them in the proverbial heart. Hell someone scratched my trampstamp hives for me, that says something. Not sure what but it does. And I know I hurt you but I was also trying to be honest with you and let you know what I was feeling.

The way you write bothers the shit out of me. One whole paragraph is really annoying to read. And really hard. I see wall of text and I'm done. I'm so turned off by a wall of text that I don't really bother with it. Separate your thoughts and ideas. That's what grown ups do. We aren't allowed to write in one big block. We also have to use the right words. Spell check is a must. Your ideas aren't bad just difficult to deal with because they are in wall of text form.

Quite frankly, I think you might benefit from some anger management. It isn't my fault that you can't control yourself. And I'm not someone who will clean up your mess or tell you what you did was ok. Just remember that your decisions that you choose to deal with things now, like alcohol, smoking or what have you will affect your life down the road.

--I feel so stupid for letting things go the way they did with you.--

Your Family

I loved your family. Still do mostly. Even with all the crazy that is. This wasn't their fault. But what is their fault is that they only got your side of the story. The saying goes, "There are two sides to a story." And I had the decency to keep my family out if it till January.

Running to mommy every time we had a problem isn't the way to go. Hell running to anyone in your family when there is a problem between us, shows your lack of maturity. It's not their business and your mother has some issues keeping her mouth shut. I'm not saying that she isn't nice to talk to or anything but you really shouldn't be talking to anyone of consequence about private matters. And our relationship was a private matter.

I don't even feel like I can elaborate on this topic because it's almost too inappropriate to discuss my thoughts or feelings. As much as I would like to rip you into pieces and tell you all my thoughts on this topic, I can't. Or won't rather because I'm better than that. And it doesn't matter; it's kind of a package deal. And you've tainted every relationship I had in that house. That's why I stayed away. Would you want to be around people who looked at you differently? Do you even realize that we've (my mom and I) have kept so much from my dad because we don't want to ruin that relationship between you two. I don't want to ruin that because it isn't fair to either of you.

But mostly I want to tell you what a piece of shit you are for hurting me. If it had been someone else who did that to me you would have killed him. So, where does that put you? Where do you compare on those standards? How do you justify it?

I feel like you've given up. I left January and that was it mostly. I feel like you treated me like I was disposable. If something bad had happened to you when you were hurt at work, I would have left within the hour. You fight for what you want. And after everything that happened, I didn't want you and I still don't. But it's mostly because I'm still hurting. I can't forget all the awful things you said and I'm still working on forgiving. I've gotten over most of it by blocking it out. All I remember is the pain anymore. And that stunt you pulled in the car, barely affected me. That asshole who used to rape and beat me, pulled shit like that. You fucking pussy. Be a man and deal with things in an adult manor.

I don't know how to fix this gaping wound in my chest that no one can fix. I haven't found anyone worthy of a relationship but I'm also afraid to get close to anyone ever again. So while the opportunity presented itself, I couldn't do it. I don't want to be close to people because of you.

And I know you can't hook up with anyone without it meaning something. So I know you've moved on. Or you're trying to make me jealous or one up me. I should hope that it is not your goal to affect me and that I'm being mildly self centered. If your goal is to bug me, it won't work.

--I don't like feeling like this--

Just sad

I've never said I was without blame but I feel that the situation could have been handled differently. I was so afraid to jump and now that this has happened who knows if I'll ever be able to jump with anyone. Why would I ever let anyone know me again? It takes a ridiculous about of time to fix those wounds. The last time something like this happened to me, it took probably a good 3 years or so to fix that.

I can't even begin to explain how scared I was. I was on a run away train and I was ok with that. I was ok with being with you forever but still scared out of my mind. I was planning and preparing to be with you. That speaks volumes considering that I don't like to plan anything and I never know when I'm going to leave for home. I always have time to decide. I was making plans for you. You fucking moron. I was scared and talked with you about that. College = freedom. You don't know that and probably wouldn't have known that because the schools you were looking at might as well of been a prison.

I can't do an a 180 on everything I was to what I want to be. It takes time and a concerted effort. But I was trying and working towards that. But apparently I wasn't working fast enough. Or maybe it was because I was thinking again and being myself and you could no longer control me. I'm a people watcher, so I'm always going to be looking. But I can appreciate a good looking woman as well. Which is something I think you failed to listen to. But I'll always want to fuck James Bond so deal. And besides something like 50% of the women who do, end up dead in the next scene. So go suck a dick.

You used the information that you were privy to, to hurt me. The knowledge you gained through our friendship gave you the power to hurt me. You knew that I would never do the same to you. I've been there and I know what it is like for people to do those things to you and I don't think people should have to deal or go through that. If just shows that you are a emotional child.

I think you've called me heartless before or its equivalent. By not destroying you in the same manor you did me shows volumes. I care more deeply than I ever let people know. I was so stupid to think you were different. I loved you when you were fat, I loved you through your personal problems, I loved you through the schooling, I loved you through your assignment changes and I loved you when you were away. The fact that this statement made me cry says something.

I'm so broken. I don't know where to begin to fix it. The only thing that helps is alcohol. I want to drink all the time and if I could do my life in a drunken stupor I would. Just to not feel anymore.

I can't go back to you because I think if I did that you would assume you did nothing wrong. Which is not the case. Never once have I felt that you were proud of me. I know you don't see my point of view as valid because I'm not in the real world. Granted I know I'm not in the real world but my world is very real. And my actions here don't affect you. I don't even want to talk to you because I have nothing to say really and I don't even know if I can trust you. Which is awful but when you use personal information to hurt me there isn't much left of that friendship is there.

I don't even know why you wanted to hurt me so bad. But all I feel is broken and sad. I can't wait till its cold again because summer is annoying and there are more black clothes around. Right now there is only color vomit shit everywhere. I only want to wear black clothes. You did that. It's your fault. I'm so far into this hole, that the people at work only ever see me in black or gray. I don't really wear color anymore.

--done for now--this takes too much effort to feel this way--