I don't know why you are begging me to talk to you? I never lied to you or embellished my life. I find that you do that. I don't like that. Just be yourself, it gets too tiring to be something you're not. With that being said, I don't love me. Quite often I hate me. I loathe myself, but I'm far to apathetic to care. I must love pain though because I'm walking around miserable still.
I'm trying to move on. I've gone out on dates but nothing has really come of it. Not that I care, I don't really have time for it anyway. I don't have time for someone who wants my attention all the time or who wants me to spend hours on the phone with them. I just don't have time. The college experience is different for those who have science degrees than those who don't. And I know that doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me. And after talking with a classmate who was in the military, she confirmed that this was harder than military life. Unless you are overseas, then it's a different story.
I don't know if we'll every be friends in the way we were before. That's just me being honest. I don't know how to fix the pain you inflicted on me. Emotional abuse takes a whole lot more time to heal than physical abuse. And what's worse is I think I'd almost rather you hit me than do what you did. I can't put it out of my mind.
Your last message on Facebook didn't make a whole lot of sense in that you don't know what you did wrong? I think that's what you meant, but I don't know. And that's bullshit, you know exactly what you did wrong, you just don't know why its wrong. What you did was take the knowledge you gained as a friend, stuff you earned in confidence and out of friendship and then threw it back in my face. I would have to be stupid to trust you ever again. Do you have any idea what it's like to have your fears and insecurities thrown back in your face? As a friend or something of a potential, you are gentle with those because that is their Achilles heel. If you want someone to love you, you are gentle with them and coddle their needs, not stab them in the proverbial heart. Hell someone scratched my trampstamp hives for me, that says something. Not sure what but it does. And I know I hurt you but I was also trying to be honest with you and let you know what I was feeling.
The way you write bothers the shit out of me. One whole paragraph is really annoying to read. And really hard. I see wall of text and I'm done. I'm so turned off by a wall of text that I don't really bother with it. Separate your thoughts and ideas. That's what grown ups do. We aren't allowed to write in one big block. We also have to use the right words. Spell check is a must. Your ideas aren't bad just difficult to deal with because they are in wall of text form.
Quite frankly, I think you might benefit from some anger management. It isn't my fault that you can't control yourself. And I'm not someone who will clean up your mess or tell you what you did was ok. Just remember that your decisions that you choose to deal with things now, like alcohol, smoking or what have you will affect your life down the road.
--I feel so stupid for letting things go the way they did with you.--
