I've never said I was without blame but I feel that the situation could have been handled differently. I was so afraid to jump and now that this has happened who knows if I'll ever be able to jump with anyone. Why would I ever let anyone know me again? It takes a ridiculous about of time to fix those wounds. The last time something like this happened to me, it took probably a good 3 years or so to fix that.
I can't even begin to explain how scared I was. I was on a run away train and I was ok with that. I was ok with being with you forever but still scared out of my mind. I was planning and preparing to be with you. That speaks volumes considering that I don't like to plan anything and I never know when I'm going to leave for home. I always have time to decide. I was making plans for you. You fucking moron. I was scared and talked with you about that. College = freedom. You don't know that and probably wouldn't have known that because the schools you were looking at might as well of been a prison.
I can't do an a 180 on everything I was to what I want to be. It takes time and a concerted effort. But I was trying and working towards that. But apparently I wasn't working fast enough. Or maybe it was because I was thinking again and being myself and you could no longer control me. I'm a people watcher, so I'm always going to be looking. But I can appreciate a good looking woman as well. Which is something I think you failed to listen to. But I'll always want to fuck James Bond so deal. And besides something like 50% of the women who do, end up dead in the next scene. So go suck a dick.
You used the information that you were privy to, to hurt me. The knowledge you gained through our friendship gave you the power to hurt me. You knew that I would never do the same to you. I've been there and I know what it is like for people to do those things to you and I don't think people should have to deal or go through that. If just shows that you are a emotional child.
I think you've called me heartless before or its equivalent. By not destroying you in the same manor you did me shows volumes. I care more deeply than I ever let people know. I was so stupid to think you were different. I loved you when you were fat, I loved you through your personal problems, I loved you through the schooling, I loved you through your assignment changes and I loved you when you were away. The fact that this statement made me cry says something.
I'm so broken. I don't know where to begin to fix it. The only thing that helps is alcohol. I want to drink all the time and if I could do my life in a drunken stupor I would. Just to not feel anymore.
I can't go back to you because I think if I did that you would assume you did nothing wrong. Which is not the case. Never once have I felt that you were proud of me. I know you don't see my point of view as valid because I'm not in the real world. Granted I know I'm not in the real world but my world is very real. And my actions here don't affect you. I don't even want to talk to you because I have nothing to say really and I don't even know if I can trust you. Which is awful but when you use personal information to hurt me there isn't much left of that friendship is there.
I don't even know why you wanted to hurt me so bad. But all I feel is broken and sad. I can't wait till its cold again because summer is annoying and there are more black clothes around. Right now there is only color vomit shit everywhere. I only want to wear black clothes. You did that. It's your fault. I'm so far into this hole, that the people at work only ever see me in black or gray. I don't really wear color anymore.
--done for now--this takes too much effort to feel this way--
